sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
