I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
