If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
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