Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
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