you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
