You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
