I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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