Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
