your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
