we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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