Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
