Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Randomize
