I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
