I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
