I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
