I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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