I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize