i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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