I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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