i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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