I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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