You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
