Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Randomize
