i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
