so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
