You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We left the knife in your bed.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
