Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
