I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Your cock deserves a montage
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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