dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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