I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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