I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
