hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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