The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
People in love make me want to vomit
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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