took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
