I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
