I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
