I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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