I'm so fucking centered right now
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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