You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
