I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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