I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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