if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
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