Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
