I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
