she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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