And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I have aggressive nipples.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
