Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
