My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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