Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
