You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Drunk is a universal language darling
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
