i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
