i already hear my dad disowning me
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
