i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Randomize
