I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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