As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
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