An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
