Betty ford says i'm here all night
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
