so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
