Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
