I could have mohawked her pubes.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize