My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize