If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize