I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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