Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
