He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
