he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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