I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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